Shut up, Kise
by AviyahSkittles
Summary: Kise's in a dress, everyone's an ass, Kuroko might just be a legendary princess, and Kasamatsu thinks he probably should've stayed home. CRACK, KiseKuro, GoM/Kuro kind of


**A/N: Let me warn you right now, this is pure absolute _CRACK_! Everyone is probably extremely OOC and seriously this is just crap.**

**I made this to cheer my sister up hahaha...uh...**

**OK SO LET THE BAD FANFICTION IN THIS FANDOM COMMENCE RIGHT NOW STARTING WITH THIS ASDKUSHKFDJILFS**

* * *

"What do you mean I need a princess?"

"Oh excuse me let me rephrase that, you need a princess, you motherfucking asshole."

Kise just stared at his servant in horror.

"B-But…" He started to tear up, but Kasamatsu was having none of that crap today.

"No buts, you fucking douchebag, these are the king's orders!"

Kise Ryouta was the prince and soon to be ruler of one of the six kingdoms. He lived in the Kaijou kingdom and was raised without a care in the world…that is, until now. Apparently the coach…I mean King, was getting old. He had decided it was time for the prince to find a suitable queen to rule the kingdom with.

"I don't even know where I'm supposed to find a princess!" Prince Kise sobbed. Kasamatsu, Prince Kise's most loyal servant, took pity on him (sort of).

"Look genius, haven't you heard the legend?" The prince shook his head. "They say that deep in the Forest of Basketballs, there stands a black tower. Inside the tower is a beautiful princess with the most beautiful blue eyes you could ever imagine. Whichever prince may win the princess' heart will be married for all eternity and never have any troubles with his kingdom."

By this point, Prince Kise was starting to become excited. He looked at Kasamatsu with an expression of joy.

"Where is the Forest of Basketballs? How do I get there! I wanna go! I wanna go!" Kise jumped up and down with glee.

"It's actually pretty far," he said. "To get there you must cross the other five kingdoms."

Kise let out a high pitched scream and sunk to his knees.

"Um, but you can…do it?" Kasamatsu finished awkwardly.

"I can…do it."

"Yeah moron, you can do it."

With a newfound determination, Prince Kise ran to his room to get ready.

* * *

"Kasamatsu! I need you, come quick!" Kasamatsu stomped all the way to the prince's room grumbling about pretty boys.

"What is it, dick face?" When he came into the room, he saw Kise patting down a rather poofy yellow dress. "Oh my g…what the fuck are you wearing?"

"I want to get married right after I get the princess out of that tower!" Kise answered happily. "This is my wedding dress, isn't it pretty?"

"Isn't that a bit impractical?" Kasamatsu pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "God Kise, just take it o—"

"TELL ME I'M PRETTY!"

"What?"

And so the prince and his servant set off on a golden horse named Pony.

* * *

Kasamatsu explained that the first kingdom they had to cross was Touou, the Indigo Kingdom with a Touch of Pink. The Touou kingdom had a prince and a princess: Prince Aomine and Princess Momoi.

Kasamatsu steered Pony through the gate of entrance while trying to ignore Kise slapping the back of his head in excitement behind him.

"Hey, who the fuck are you?" A sudden voice called out.

"Shut up Dai-chan! Can't you see they're from Kaijou?" A higher pitched voice answered.

Two people came out of the shadows.

"KASAMATSU THAT GIRL HAS PINK HAIR WHAT IS GOING ON!" Kise yelled right into Kasamatsu's ear.

"Shut up, shithead! Those are the royals, Princess Momoi and Prince Aomine!" Kasamatsu whispered, hoping Kise wouldn't continue talking and thus piss the royals off.

"WHAT? IS HER HAIR MADE OF COTTON CANDY?" Kise pointed at Momoi. "IS YOUR HAIR MADE OF COTTON CANDY?"

Kasamatsu decided to push Prince Kise off the horse to shut up him up since apparently none of the signs he was giving him were working.

"Is…that Prince Kise?" Prince Aomine asked. Beside him, Momoi nodded.

"Yeah, he's on a quest right now," she answered. "He's trying to find the princess of the legend."

Kise started to cry.

"Uh, are you sure the dude's going to find anything?" Kasamatsu couldn't tell if Aomine was pitying Prince Kise or mocking him.

"I c-can find th-the princess if I wuh-want toooo!" Nobody paid any mind to Kise at all.

Prince Aomine instead walked up to Kise and knelt down. He didn't help Kise up like the Kaijou prince expected; Aomine decided to lift up Kise's dress.

"Where are your pants?" He asked. Prince Kise just cried even harder.

"This is his wedding dress." Kasamatsu muttered. Prince Aomine's laugh was almost loud enough to drown out Kise's sobbing. Momoi slapped the Touou prince upside his head.

"Dai-chan, you realize that this princess of legend is real right? So if one of us does marry the princess, our kingdom will rise above the rest." At this, Aomine stopped laughing and stilled for a moment.

He then broke out into a grin.

"Then the only one who will beat our kingdom will be our kingdom!"

"That doesn't make any fucking sense—" Nobody paid attention to Kasamatsu either.

"Come on Momoi! Tell Sakurai to get our horses ready!" Aomine adopted a proud expression. "My little Zone can run faster than any horse in all the six kingdoms."

"N-Nobody c-c-caaaaaares!" Kise cried out.

And so the Kaijou duo and the Touou duo set out on different paths even though Kaijou's path was much faster.

Aomine just wanted to ride with his horse and let his hair flow in the wind. He didn't particularly care about princesses at all.

* * *

"Ok map, what kingdom's next? We went through the Touou kingdom, so next is the…?"

"Shut up dick-for-brains, I'm not a map and you're not Dora." Kise was getting more and more annoying to ride with. Sooner or later Kasamatsu was just going to opt for throwing him off the horse and telling the king he got eaten by Prince Aomine.

"Wow you're such a meanie," Kise pouted because he is a bishie shut up. "So what's the next kingdom, Mr. Grumpy pants?"

Kasamatsu grumbled.

"Shuutoku, Kingdom of Green," was the last thing that was said for the rest of the way.

If you don't count Kise's singing the F.U.N song.

* * *

"Halt!" The duo (plus Pony) was stopped before they could even enter Shuutoku. This was a bad sign. "State your names."

Kise looked to be on the verge of tears again. Luckily, Kasamatsu wasn't a total dimwit in these situations.

"This is Prince Kise Ryouta and I am Kasamatsu Yukio. We are from Kaijou, Kingdom of Yellow!" He repeated the introduction from memory. "What do you go by?"

"Why have you come here?" The man asked without stating his name.

"You did not answer—"

"DOES HE HAVE GREEN HAIR! WHAT'S WITH EVERYONE HAVING WEIRD COLOURED HAIR? I MEAN MY HAIR IS BLOND, SO THAT'S NORMAL!"

"KISE SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I AM TURNING THIS HORSE AROUND!"

The green haired man narrowed his eyes at Prince Kise but didn't say anything.

"Shin-chan, there you are!" A shorter man came running.

"Shin-chan…" Kasamatsu thought for a moment. "As in…Shintarou, Midorima Shintarou?"

"Yup, this is Prince Shin-chan of Shuutoku! Isn't he just the cutest?" It was the shorter man who answered instead of the prince.

"Takao, be quiet," he ignored Takao's cry of "Rude!" and addressed Kasamatsu again. "I will ask one more time, what are you doing here?"

"Aw Shin-chan don't be such a grumpy pants!" ("Wow, just like you Kasamatsu!" Kise yelled happily.) Takao hugged the prince. "You left the table without even eating your veggies! Now come on back and I'll feed them to you!"

Midorima scowled. "I cannot, my horoscope told me that I need to find a Scorpio to boost my happiness. I need to find a Scorpio, Takao!"

"Oh, well I'm a Scor—" Takao was cut off by Prince Kise's high pitched yells of "Oh!"

"We're on a quest to find a princess! Maybe the princess is a Scorpio!" Kise quickly got off of Pony to try and hug Prince Midorima in his happiness. Sadly, his dress got in the way and he ended up on the ground in tears with a bloody nose.

"Hmm, perhaps the idiot with the foolish dress is right…" Prince Midorima seemed to be in deep thought. "Alright, Takao, get the rickshaw ready." Takao visibly deflated (so much that he was now flat on the floor) and flopped away to make preparations complete.

"Does this mean we can go through your goddamned kingdom now?" Kasamatsu asked while pulling Kise onto the horse again.

Midorima narrowed his eyes but allowed it.

And so the Kaijou duo and the Shuutoku duo set off on different paths, with Shuutoku taking the longer one.

Takao just wants time alone with his Shin-chan after all.

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Kise sobbed for the 82nd time.

"No, we have three kingdoms left to go, piss head. Next is Yosen, Kingdom of Purple"

"Ruuude."

* * *

The Yosen kingdom was quite easy to cross…until the duo (plus Pony) came upon a cart full of food in the middle of the road. Or, you could say the bigger problem was the person eating the food.

"Atsushi, it looks like you've got visitors," a man told the hungry giant.

"Mm," the purple haired monster replied. Kasamatsu knew exactly who this man was, there was no mistaking it. It was Prince Murasakibara Atsushi.

He was a dangerous man to bother; Kasamatsu just hoped Kise wouldn't—

"OH MY GOD DOES THAT GUY HAVE PURPLE HAIR! KASAMATSU DO YOU SEE THAT? DO YOU!"

Never mind, too late.

"Ah," Prince Murasakibara said. "Who's that, Muro-chin?"

"Hmm, I'm guessing that's Prince Kise of the Kaijou kingdom," this "Muro-chin" replied with a smile.

"Oh…can I go back to eating now?"

"Don't finish all the food Atsushi, and introduce yourself first."

Kasamatsu was actually very surprised. This Muro-chin, whoever he was, was talking to Murasakibara like an old friend.

"I wanna eat though…" Murasakibara sighed.

"Ok fine, I'll do it." 'Muro-chin' said. "This is Prince Murasakibara Atsushi and I am his servant Himuro Tatsuya. We're sorry we cannot serve the prince of Kaijou luxuriously right now; we are a bit set back with our agriculture. We only have enough food for the few people of our kingdom and this tubby right here." Himuro patted Murasakibara's stomach. "However, what is it you're here for?"

Kasamatsu was again, incredibly surprised. This was the first kingdom in which they were being treated as royals and not moronic shitheads.

"We need to get to the basketball forest!" Kise responded happily. "We're on a quest to find a princess who may help improve our kingdom! Maybe the princess can help you as well, so you should come too!"

Kasamatsu face palmed. Kise really didn't realize how much competition he was gathering, did he?

"Princess can help get us more food?" Murasakibara asked.

"It seems that way," Himuro replied. He turned to look at the purple haired prince. "Would you like to go?"

"If Muro-chin wants to, I'll go."

"Aw! Kasamatsu, why can't we be like that?" Kise complained and got off the horse. He first lifted the hem of his dress up to make sure he didn't trip and fall and then ran over to give Murasakibara a hug.

"Muro-chin, why is Kise-chin crying on me?" Himuro just shrugged.

It took a few tries, but Kasamatsu finally managed to drag a crying Kise off of the other prince and back on the horse.

And so the Kaijou duo and the Yosen duo went off their separate ways to find the princess.

However, Murasakibara and Himuro got delayed a bit. After all, you can't have a road trip without 65 bags of marshmallows.

* * *

"Kasamatsu—"

"No."

* * *

When Pony had entered the next kingdom with Kasamatsu and the fuck face in tow, the sky seemed to get darker. There was no bustling in the streets and not a single light was on.

It was as if the place was abandoned.

"Well, this should be easy then r-right?" Kise asked, clutching onto Kasamatsu's hair quite painfully.

"Yeah I guess? Why are you so scared?"

"There's nobody around! It's so quiet, it's scary!"

"I should hope so." A voice boomed from around them.

It was nothing more than surprising for Kasamatsu, but Kise let out the loudest scream he could.

"HOLY SHIT KISE, WHY!" The other boy stopped screaming only for his screams to be replaced by the most annoying sobs you could ever imagine.

"Can you please get him to shut up? I might have to do it myself." The voice said again.

"Uh, maybe he'll stop crying if you, I don't know, stop acting like a ghost and actually come out?" Kasamatsu offered.

"Look behind you then."

As soon as Kasamatsu steered the horse around, he came face to face with a boy sitting in a throne. It was enough to make Kise scream again and pull Kasamatsu's hair as hard as he could.

"Holy God!"

"Not quite, but I am as great as God, I guess you could say. Perhaps even as beautiful," The redheaded boy answered.

"NUH-UH!" Kise screamed. "I WENT TO DISNEYLAND ONCE AND I ASKED THEM IF GOD WAS A BUNNY! GUESS WHAT? THEY TOLD ME THAT HE WASSSS!"

"It would be wise to silence your partner or I might have to chop his tongue off."

"Uh, I'm on it." Kasamatsu pushed Kise off the horse again, it seemed to work. "So, are you the prince of this kingdom?"

"You could say I used to be the king," The boy raised his eyes to meet Kasamatsu's. "I am Akashi Seijuro. This used to be a kingdom called Teikou. Technically, there only used to be two kingdoms: Teikou and Seirin, but after watching my friends grow, I decided it would be best to split Teikou into five different kingdoms. You see, my friends were getting to have great skills. I thought it would be best to let them rule their own kingdoms.

"Midorima Shintarou was appointed to the green kingdom, Murasakibara Atsushi was given the purple, Aomine Daiki and Momoi Satsuki were to rule the indigo-pink, and the yellow kingdom…was given to your prince, Kise Ryouta."

"Kise? This shithead right here!" Kasamatsu looked down at the prince who was trying his best not to burst out in tears. "Kise you never told me this!"

"That's because I erased their memories," Akashi looked nostalgic. "I figured they would be better rulers if they didn't remember their friendships."

"What? That's the stupidest idea ever." Kasamatsu snorted. "You realize if they had remembered being each other's friends then they would've created alliances. Our lives would've been a lot smoother you know."

"…Silence." Akashi said.

"Kasamatsu that's meeeeean," Kise finally decided to butt in. "Anyway, we're looking for a princess in the forest of basketballs!"

"Oh, you mean Tetsuya?"

"…Tet-who now,"

"Kuroko Tetsuya was one of my friends as well. I didn't appoint a kingdom to him because I'd rather he'd choose a prince to marry when the time comes. He's better at helping than doing things himself, you know."

"WELL WE NEED TO FIND HIM!" Kise yelled with excitement.

"Wait it's a boy? Everyone says princess though…whaaaaaat?" Nobody listened to Kasamatsu because nobody cared.

"COME WITH US AKASHICCHI!" Kise pulled the boy off of his throne and threw him on the horse.

"Do not order me to do things Ryouta." Akashi grabbed Kise's hand and held a knife to his index finger. "Never order me around."

And so the Kaijou duo plus one (and Pony) rode off to the last kingdom before the basketball forest, all while Akashi threatened to chop off Prince Kise's fingers.

* * *

The next kingdom was Seirin, Kingdom of Black.

When they rode in, they were greeted by a group of people crowding around them. Apparently, there weren't many golden horses around these parts, nor were there people with blond hair. Though with one flick of the wrist, Akashi sent his knife soaring past the nearest person's leg, grazing it slightly. It was enough to clear their way for the most part.

"Who the hell are you guys? And why are you wearing a dress." Kasamatsu turned his head to see another redhead, though this one was taller and had weird looking eyebrows.

"THIS IS MY WEDDING DRESS, WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND THAT!" Kise sobbed.

"Yes, yes Ryouta, nobody cares." Akashi looked at the newcomer. "Kagami Taiga, how nice to see you again,"

"No, it really isn't," Kagami narrowed his eyes at Akashi. "So again, who the hell are you two?"

"Kagami don't be so rude, that's Prince Kise." A short brunette girl came up and kicked Kagami in the shins.

"Ah, look at this place! They all have such normal hair…it's so beautiful…I think I might cry." Kise said dreamily while rubbing at his eyes.

"Kise if you don't shut your shit eating mouth I'm going to punch you in the face. That's Queen Aida Riko, you fucker." Kasamatsu signaled for Akashi to push Kise off the horse, which he did gladly.

"So I take it you're trying to pass because of Kuroko, huh?" Queen Aida said.

"Yes, Ryouta here wants to marry Tetsuya to make his kingdom better."

"Hmph, you really think Kuroko's gonna wanna marry you?" Kagami huffed.

"Yes! Why, are you jealous?" Kise gasped. "Do you like me!"

"You are such a fucking asshole Kise I'm going to murder you." Kasamatsu groaned.

"Kagami let them pass. Kuroko will decide whether he likes you or not." Aida declared. "Though I suggest maybe you don't talk when you introduce yourself, just wave or something. Your idiocy might turn him off."

"Yeah, I'm on that." Kasamatsu grumbled.

"Well Ryouta, Ryouta's servant, let's go then." Akashi said simply. Nobody listened to Kasamatsu talking about how he was offended because nobody cared.

As they continued on their quest, a shoe hit the back of Kise's head.

"Yeah, look Izuki, I got him!"

"Oh my god captain, please don't."

* * *

As it turns out, the black tower was at the entrance of the Basketball Forest, just right there in the open. Right there...and yet they missed it. Several times, it took about the sixth try of navigating the forest to find the damn thing.

By the time they got there however, Aomine and Momoi had already arrived. Prince Aomine's hair was disheveled because he had let the wind flow through it too much. It was funny looking, he was funny looking (Momoi was pretty though).

"AOMINECCHI," Kise yelled. He got off of Pony and tackled Aomine to the ground, smothering him in kisses. "MOMOICCHI," he got up and jumped on Momoi, hugging her like a Koala.

"Kise. Kise, come back here. KISE!" Kasamatsu yelled.

"Muro-chin look, it's Aka-chin …" Murasakibara and Himuro arrived and joined the rest of the group.

"Oh, hello Atsushi," Akashi replied. Murasakibara bent down and Akashi patted his head.

"Wait, I thought you erased everyone's memories…" Kasamatsu looked at Akashi, surprised.

"Yeah but…Atsushi's my baby boy, I can't just erase his memories," he replied, kissing the top of Murasakibara's head

"Whoa, what are all these other people doing here?" Takao said loudly. "I thought it was just going to be us and Kaijou, Shin-chan."

"Be quiet Takao, I need to find my Scorpio," Midorima strutted down to the group and pushed Kise out of his way.

"Can you guys please be quiet; I'm watching That's So Raven," someone called out from above. Everyone looked up towards the only window of the black tower. A boy with light blue hair peeked out of it.

"Oh, hello Tetsuya," Akashi waved. The boy waved back.

"Good afternoon Akashi-san." The boy looked at the rest of the group. "Well, I'm Kuroko Tetsuya and…who are you people?" No one said anything for a moment, until Aomine decided to speak up.

"I'm Aomine Daiki," he boomed. "And _you_ are going to be _my_ bride!"

Kuroko just stared at him. And stared, and stared…until Aomine was literally reduced to a pile of goo.

"Why?" He asked, spread out on the grass.

"Because you are dumb and you are also a dick, that's why." Kuroko replied curtly. Momoi was the next to try something.

"You're _so _cute!" She gushed. "Even if you don't want to be my husband, we should be friends! My name is Momoi Satsuki! How do you even survive in that tower?"

"I do not wish to marry you, no, but I will be friends with you. My friend Kagami sometimes brings me milkshakes. I like milkshakes." Kuroko gave Momoi a small smile and threw a Popsicle down at her. She took it happily, gathered Aomine up in a bucket and went home.

"Ahem," Midorima said. Kuroko turned to look at him. "Are you, or are you not, a Scorpio?"

Kuroko shook his head.

"No, but your friend is." Midorima turned to Takao with an expression of confusion.

"You're a Scorpio? Why didn't you inform me of this? I could still be in the comfort of my home."

Takao turned into a scorpion.

"You didn't give me the opportunity to tell you, Shin-chan!" Midorima gathered the scorpion Takao in his arms and went home giving him many kisses along the way.

"Murasakibara-kun, I doubt you want to marry me." Kuroko stated. Murasakibara shook his head.

"No, I'm fine with Muro-chin and Aka-chin is close to my kingdom…but do you have any food?" Kuroko nodded and pulled out a pillow case full of sweets.

"Thank you Kuro-chin," Murasakibara stretched his arms and pulled the pillow case out of the tower window. He then threw Himuro over his shoulder and went home

"I will take my leave too Tetsuya, it was nice seeing you." Akashi said, giving Kuroko a small smile. "You should visit sometime, I'm thinking of rebuilding my kingdom. It will be called Rakuzan, Kingdom of Red."

"I look forward to it," Kuroko smiled. Akashi gave a wave to Kise and Kasamatsu, then turned into a phoenix and flew off into the sunset.

"Well go on, piss face, you're the last one." Kasamatsu pushed Kise forward.

Kuroko's eyes seemed to bore into Kise's soul. The prince shivered.

"Ok…" Kise started, fighting down tears. "Princess Kurokocchi!"

"Oh my god is he actually going to call him Kurokocchi? Are you serious?" Kasamatsu groaned.

"I know you may not want to m-marry me, but come to my kingdom with me! I'll be your friend and maybe we can build up our relationship from there! I mean I won't try anything on the first date either, because that's mean…"

"Fucking hell Kise…"

"But I will take you to the aquarium on Sundays! We can go out for dinner! Maybe I'll buy you a milkshake—"

"A vanilla milkshake?"

"W-What?"

"I said are you going to buy me a _vanilla_ milkshake?" Kuroko repeated.

"Uh…yes?" Kise gulped.

"OK I'll come with you,"

"That worked?" Kasamatsu's jaw dropped.

"YAY!" Kise squealed.

"Ok Kise-kun, now all you have to do is say 'das gay basuke' and I'll be able to come down."

"O-Ok…" Kise gulped. "D-Das gay basukeeeeeeeeh?" As soon as he had finished, a rainbow came floating out of Prince Kise's mouth. Kuroko slid down the rainbow and into Kise's arms.

"So," Kuroko said, looking into Kise's eyes. "Are we going to have sex or what?"

Kasamatsu (and Pony) just went home without them.

* * *

**A/N: I'm so sorry**


End file.
